What Is a ‘Unicorn’ in a Relationship?

When utilized in a intercourse and relationships context, the time period “unicorn,” generally “intercourse unicorn,” describes an individual who’s concerned with having simultaneous romantic and/or sexual relationships with each folks in a pre-existing coupling, explains Leanne Yau, the educator behind Poly Philia, a social media mission devoted to training and leisure on polyamory and non-monogamy. “They’re referred to as unicorns as a result of they’re considered powerful to seek out, virtually legendary,” provides intercourse educator and author Zachary Zane, writer of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and intercourse knowledgeable for relationship app Archer.

Associated Tales

Typically talking, swingers and folk in (sexually) open relationships are on the lookout for a unicorn for a one-night stand or constant threeways. In the meantime, of us who’re polyamorous could also be concerned with including one other particular person to their relationship and forming a romantic polyamorous triad (also referred to as a throuple), says Yau.

However whether or not intercourse, love, or another romantic attachment is in play, the dynamic between a unicorn and a pre-existing couple might be extremely pleasurable for everybody concerned—as long as communication, consent, and respect are on the forefront of all interactions.

What it means to be a unicorn in a relationship or throughout intercourse

As famous, a unicorn in a relationship is an individual who chooses to enter a pre-existing partnership for a threesome (intercourse) or triad (normally, intercourse and love), says Gigi Engle, ACS, CSE, CSC, a licensed intercourse coach with relationship app 3Fun and writer of All The F*cking Errors. Typically, it’s assumed (and anticipated) that the unicorn shall be equally bodily and—in circumstances the place romance is allowed and desired—emotionally related to each folks within the pre-existing relationship, she notes. (On this approach, relationship a unicorn is a type of non-monogamy that includes a pair opening as much as a single third individual.)

A unicorn can be an individual of any gender, and the couple entertaining one can embrace two folks of any gender and sexual orientation mixture. However mostly, the time period is used to discuss with a cisgender, bisexual lady who’s concerned with relationship and/or having intercourse with a pre-existing couple that’s made up of a straight man and bisexual (or bi-curious) lady, says Yau.

Notably, the connotation of “unicorn” and among the dynamics that may unfold round unicorn relationship has made the time period controversial, says Engle: Some declare that the time period’s affiliation with an animal can dehumanize the third celebration simply as its fantastical nature can reinforce the (false) concept that this individual is de facto only a creature destined to satisfy the fantasies of the folks within the couple.

On the identical time, the idea of “unicorn searching,” whereby a pair searches for a unicorn, implies that the unicorn is their “prey,” which may arrange an uneven, dangerous energy dynamic: In having a preexisting relationship, the folks within the couple might really feel as in the event that they’re empowered to dictate the principles of the brand new unicorn relationship, leaving the unicorn with much less autonomy over their very own relationship standing.

“There’s sadly a precedent of many unicorn-hunting {couples} being predatory, fetishizing, and queer- and trans-phobic,” says intercourse and polyamory educator Dedeker Winston, writer of The Good Lady’s Information to Polyamory and co-host of Multiamory Podcast. “Many self-identified unicorns report all types of unhealthy conduct from {couples}, together with being anticipated to offer free childcare or conveniently disappear when associates or household come round, or in the end, being handled as a disposable intercourse toy,” she says.

That’s to not say that each one unicorns wish to be a part of an present couple for an emotional connection or something past intercourse; the truth is, loads of unicorns could also be solely concerned with intercourse with a pair. However the vital factor is that the unicorn retains their autonomy and humanity in any respect levels of the connection and is equally as empowered because the couple to behave on their wishes within the partnership—no matter they might be.

Assuming such a good dynamic is in play, “unicorn” can shed a few of its damaging connotations. Certainly, some folks adore the time period and use it to explain themselves with pleasure, says Engle.

Why somebody might wish to be a unicorn in a relationship

1. It presents the chance for group intercourse galore

On the sexual entrance, becoming a member of a pre-existing couple generally is a actually enjoyable approach to have threesome intercourse, says Yau. “In lots of circumstances, the unicorn will get handled just like the star of the present by the couple and will get sexually pampered, appreciated, and spoiled by the opposite two folks,” she says. This may be particularly interesting to of us who get pleasure from being submissive.

Plus, you’re becoming a member of two people who find themselves already accustomed to having intercourse with each other, which may also help scale back the probability of awkward moments, which may occur when three strangers have intercourse.

2. It may be a low(er) dedication relationship type

How dedicated the unicorn is to the 2 folks within the pre-existing dynamic will depend upon quite a lot of issues, such because the couple’s relationship construction and guidelines, the unicorn’s curiosity, and the romantic and emotional chemistry amongst everybody.

If you’re concerned with getting your individual sexual wants and fantasies tended to with out the emotional labor typically required throughout relationship, Zane suggests being a unicorn to a few that’s romantically closed, however sexually open. “In the event you’re on the lookout for an off-the-cuff, lower-commitment factor, then becoming a member of a pair that isn’t on the lookout for romance is an effective way to have mild, enjoyable, informal group intercourse,” he explains.

3. It will probably create a container for lots of affection

Certain, being a unicorn can offer you entry to lower-commitment intercourse. However if you happen to date a pair that’s explicitly polyamorous and declares an openness to romancing and loving different people, being a unicorn can even give approach to loving, reciprocal, dedicated relationships with two different people, says Yau.

Right here, not solely do you get to present and obtain love from two totally different folks, but additionally, you get to observe their love. “Some folks discover it very nice to be with two people who find themselves additionally with and in love with one another, and have that three-way romantic dynamic,” says Yau.

Necessary observe: When a unicorn and the couple enter right into a romantic relationship, the unicorn isn’t merely tacking onto the unique dynamic, says Yau. “A complete new relationship is being created,” she says. (The result’s what can be referred to as a triad or a throuple.)

Why a pair might wish to date a unicorn

1. It promotes sexual novelty

When everybody concerned is on the identical web page about what intercourse acts are on and off limits, what everybody’s private boundaries are, and what boundaries and contraception strategies are being carried out (if any), intercourse between a unicorn and a pre-existing couple might be tremendous sizzling and pleasurable.

“It may be actually enjoyable to carry somebody new into your bed room and have intercourse with them collectively,” says Yau. “It offers you the chance to discover a brand new sexual dynamic collectively, which may inject novelty into your relationship,” she says.

Necessary observe: In the event you and your companion have a selected dynamic or fantasy you’re hoping to stay out with this third individual, be sure to speak that with them lengthy earlier than garments begin coming off in order that they will choose into or out of it, says Yau. “If the couple doesn’t seek the advice of the third individual about what they need forward of time, it will probably create a foul dynamic the place the unicorn doesn’t really feel empowered to talk up about their wants.”

2. It might really feel like a safer foray into non-monogamy

“For some {couples}, having their present companion by their facet whereas relationship somebody new can provide a way of stability and safety,” Winston says. In spite of everything, you get a front-row seat to your companion relationship, falling for, and romancing somebody.

Simply observe that “relationship somebody collectively nonetheless can’t utterly insulate you from any emotions of jealousy, menace, or discomfort,” Winston caveats. Any sort of non-monogamous and even monogamish relationship construction creates the chance for these damaging emotions to come up.

So, it’d be in your finest curiosity to sit down down along with your companion and give you a recreation plan for what you’ll do if (nay, when!) one in every of you begins to really feel jealous after including a unicorn to your relationship. Too typically, {couples} don’t give you that contingency plan upfront, after which abort Mission Unicorn as quickly as uncomfortable emotions pop up, which may depart each of you feeling upset and simply as importantly, the unicorn feeling used and discarded.

3. It will probably affirm your sexual orientation

Simply so we’re not perpetuating any false misconceptions about bisexuality, let’s be very clear: Many people who find themselves bisexual, pansexual, or every other polysexual orientation might be completely pleased and content material in a monogamous relationship with an individual of the identical or totally different gender.

Nevertheless, for polysexual of us who’re non-monogamous—or just like the concept of being sexually or romantically open with their present companion at this stage of their relationship journey—relationship a unicorn might have additional attraction. “Bringing in a unicorn might be an effective way to discover the bi+ a part of your self, for folks to whom that applies,” says Zane. If you’re a bisexual lady relationship a person, for instance, inviting in a unicorn who is just not a person might be actually sexual-orientation affirming, he says.

So that you wish to date (or be!) a unicorn…

In the event you’re in a relationship and wish to date a unicorn ethically otherwise you’re a single one that’d prefer to turn out to be one, it’s a good suggestion to learn up on polyamory and open relationships and do some introspection.

To begin, spend a while interested by what you personally need romantically and/or sexually. “Whether or not you’re a couple on the lookout for a unicorn, or the inverse, you’re going to should be very clear about what you’re on the lookout for,” says Zane. Are you interested by a one-time factor? Do you wish to be wooed? Do you could have area in your coronary heart and life for love to develop? “No matter it’s, you’re going to wish to determine the best way to put phrases to it, so you’ll be able to speak about it with all three folks and make it possible for everyone seems to be on the identical web page,” he says.

As for locating a unicorn or couple? Winston recommends utilizing a sex-positive or kink-positive web site or relationship app, akin to Feeld, #Open, or 3Fun. If there’s a native kink or polyamory scene in your space, you may additionally think about in-person meet-up teams or potlucks, she says.

Bear in mind: It’s okay to take your time to judge when you’ve got chemistry or a potential basis of friendship with a possible unicorn or couple earlier than instantly making an attempt to have a threesome or kind a triad with them, says Winston. “In lots of methods, [developing a unicorn relationship] is rather like common relationship.” (Touché!)